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3/30/2013

Weekend Writing Warriors: Story in 8, Part 2


Hello there, you! Welcome to the Wewriwa Easter edition. Does it have to rain all the time, I'm asking, naggingly? Is that really necessary? It makes for a good underwater egg hunt this year. :) Anywho, back to the story in 8, my attempt to tell a whole story in only 8 sentences. Actually, this snippet is from a short story I wrote this year called The Impostor. I thought it had the bold potential to withstand being cut and edited into 8 sentences. Now I'm not sure. Is it? 






These were all lonely women, every one of them, lonely and very very rich, especially this one, Augustine, the name of an old duck. She was a hard nut to crack. For weeks, Paul had made several attempts to meet her, but as withdrawn as she was, she hardly even made eye contact with the world.

He had to resort to drastic measures; and deliberately running into her shopping cart with his was indeed drastic. It wasn't exactly cute, the way she almost tipped over and against the shelf with stacks of canned fruit, but it put a chink in her armor.

The next part was easy, as it fell in line with his natural talent. He spent the rest of the day paying court, pampering, and spoon-feeding her the usual repertoire of lies. She was just like any other woman he ever had deceived; gullible, desperate and starved for male attention.



20 comments:

  1. Aha! A gigolo. I think that's the term. Great set up. Can't wait to find out if Augustine buys his lies.

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  2. I like the premise and it leaves me wanting more. Love the "name of an old duck". :-)

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    1. Yes, he is. He truly is "a bastard coated bastard with bastard filling" :) Thank you Elaine! :)

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  4. This post might be my favorite of all the snippets you've ever posted! Powerful job of showing rather than telling the reader that the guy is a scumbag! :-) So polished, Dana! Wow...

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    1. Hi Teresa! Wow, that's surprising for me. I just love writing those scumbags, maybe I just need to have more of them. :)

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  5. oohhh, you got me hooked! Some of it kind of is telling I think, but it's an example of how to do it effectively: you could draw out 2 or 3 more of their meetings and how they both reacted, but it may not be necessary. Here, you summarize neatly and we definitely know what kind of man he is. Now you can spend more time on the more important parts of the story. Nice job, indeed :)

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    1. Hi Marcia. Yes, I think you're right this is along the lines of "tell" I needed a bit of a shortcut. :)

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  6. Really liked that you didn't pull any punches with his point of view. Great job of characterization.

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  7. Well, I certainly don't like *him* and I'm very much hoping Augustine sees through him, or someone does! Excellent excerpt!

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  8. I don't like this guy. I hope he gets conned by one of these sweet old ladies, preferably Augustine. Name of a duck. LOL

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    1. Hahaha, yes, that's a possibility. Thanks Kate. :)

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  9. I think it worked very well. You did an excellent job creating his predator type character. Well done!

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  10. As an "old duck" who is "a tough nut to crack", I'm hoping that she truly is and is able to turn the tables and teach him a thing or two.

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