So, I realized something today. Once I have written down something and locked it as far as the story goes, it is hard, not to say close to impossible for me to "un-think" it. I don't like to drop ideas, partly because I'm lazy but also because I tend to consider myself grandiose enough to deem everything I come up with a treasure.
Today I had to tie in some loose ends, and frankly, some of the ideas just didn't make sense anymore. So, while it is hard to say goodbye to "story trash" it's better to drop it than to keep something that would screw with the basic idea for purely nostalgic or ego reasons. I realize now, that this story is far from what I wanted or expected it to be when I started writing it. It is simultaneously the only thing and the worst thing I will have finished thus far. Yes, this realization was quite painful.
I naively underestimated how much there was to learn when I started writing for an audience bigger than myself and the potted plants in my room. But I'm not waving the flag of defeat, quite the opposite. Now I feel like I can really get started. This was the thing holding me back towards actually becoming a (real) writer.