What the hell am i doing?

I should have mentioned this earlier... i am german. Now there is no reason for applause just yet. I am a german writing a novel in english. Clearly i am insane for doing this.

For several years now i have gotten used to reading books, listening to audiobooks and watching movies in english. My husband originally introduced me to the joy of experiencing a story in its original form. I don't like the german dubbing in movies, that's how i got converted. I am a better person for it, i'm telling you!! :)

But seriously, I feel that oftentimes the enthusiasm as well as the acting skills lack to interpret the story in the way it was intended when dubbed or translated.

It didn't stop with movies. Nearly everything that i consume informationwise is in english. I like english audiobooks as well as television. Well, mostly it is US-Stuff that i am watching on the internet. I listen to classic loveline (with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew) everytime i am doing the dishes and in the evenings i enjoy seeing bits and pieces of documentaries, late shows, v-logs, TED-speeches and sometimes even casting-shows. This has gotten as far as not watching german television anymore. Or at least only in times of desperation. But worse. My husband and I have developed a nasty habit of speaking a strange double-language when talking to people. There are oftentimes english words mixed into german sentences and vice versa. I watch myself struggling with finding german words. Yes, this is somewhat excentric, especially when talking to our 60 years old neighbours who may or may not have heard that other languages exist outside the german borders. Now this funny language tourette isn't what i thought a bilingual person would be like.

Surely, i am an excellent recipient when it comes to my second language. I understand english perfectly, even strange accents don't throw me off anymore. BUT. As i discovered, i am not as good a writer and speaker as i am a listener. This really annoys me. When i talk to my friend from Britain in english i sound drunk. It is clear to everybody that i am a german trying to speak english, trying to emphasize words in the right way. My mind knows how to speak the words correctly but my mouth muscles clearly have no idea what's going on. This is so annoying. I hope my writing will get better over time, otherwise i'm screwed.