forward to all week! This Sunday, I'd like to share another excerpt from my fantasy
story, a WIP.
story, a WIP.
What happened earlier:
It is the morning after a night of severe stomach cramps and vomiting.
Nian, the young boy of 12 years wakes up, exhausted.
Looking in the mirror he finds himself to be the owner of a freshly-grown beard
and notices other, more drastic "changes" to his physique.
He senses there must be something wrong with him, and he eavesdrops on his
parents talking in the kitchen...
Looking forward to your feedback! :)
Nian, the young boy of 12 years wakes up, exhausted.
Looking in the mirror he finds himself to be the owner of a freshly-grown beard
and notices other, more drastic "changes" to his physique.
He senses there must be something wrong with him, and he eavesdrops on his
parents talking in the kitchen...
Looking forward to your feedback! :)
"He threw up all night," Nian heard his mother say, and the noise of dishes being set on the table, as well as the clanking of forks and spoons.
"He
ate too much of the deviled stew your mother made,
you should have stopped him," his father said somewhere
at the farther end of the room.
you should have stopped him," his father said somewhere
at the farther end of the room.
Nian clenched his fists in sudden anger, a habit as of late, whenever he picked up on his father's jovial tone.
"Don't
joke about it Illnor; you know as well as I what this could mean for us and him."
His mother sounded like a stranger through the ajar door, talking about him and them as though they were separates,
and his heart began to sink.
Someone pulled back a chair and it caused that insufferable
His mother sounded like a stranger through the ajar door, talking about him and them as though they were separates,
and his heart began to sink.
Someone pulled back a chair and it caused that insufferable
noise, wood on tiles, scraping the surface of the floor like nails on a chalkboard.
Going to bed a child and waking up bearded would be a shock to anyone's mental health. You've done an incredible job using this weeks six to create all kinds of intrigue. Excellent job!
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying that Jess! Well, at least Nian is a boy - that's what I told myself to be able to do this to him at all. But still.. Glad you stopped by, see you in a minute to take a look at your six!
DeleteTerrific dialog, and this piece creates a great sense of tension and foreboding dread. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much :)
DeleteSomething more than normal teenage growing-up here! Love your last sentence, a brilliant description of that sound.
ReplyDeleteThanks Karen! Glad you enjoyed the adventures of "puberty beard". :)
DeleteExcellent, Dana! Your description is wonderful. Sights, sounds...you brought me right into the scene. What is this "devile"ed stew? I like that! There is magic at work here. To go to bed a boy--and wake up with a beard? And the nausea that accompanied the transformation? Brilliant. His heart began to sink. Is someone heading his way?
ReplyDeleteNice six! :-)
Hey Teresa, nice to see you again!
DeleteI'm afraid I used the wrong expression here. No magic :) I meant to say "deviled" as in well-seasoned (like deviled eggs) but I guess you don't use it in combination with stew then? Maybe hot or spicy instead? So many words, and I think I def need to brush up on my cuisine lingo! :)
Glad you brought that to my attention, I hope you never hold back when something sounds strange or weird..or like no one would ever use it. It's very likely that it was unintentional on my part. Thank you :)