Good Sunday to all of you, it's
SI-SE-SU time!
Today, I 'd like to run these freshly written six sentences from my fantasy story by you - it's a WIP.
This is Chapter 14 and a test of endurance for Kaley, the certified Guardian Apprentice and her friends, passing through a region of
the Veil, dark, outlandish and home to many a legend. :)
I'm especially interested in your opinions and suggestions on the last sentence.
I'm not happy with it - somehow it feels like a bulky cheeseburger with too many layers. :)
Contrary to the old tales, there was no fog anywhere in the Veil, not even a trace of misty shroud, and the trees didn't resemble any of the ones she had seen in the forests of the East.
The trees of the Veil were twisted knots of thick vines, blossoming in patches high up in the crowns.
Kaley
marveled at this place with its utter tranquility, void of animal
life, but rich in darkness, seeping through the fibers like layers and layers of moisture closing in and around her. Not a single bird was singing, and there was hardly any
noise except the slight trickling of a wellspring, somewhere in the dark.
The plants
and fibers pulsated and glowed in an indication of sap, as it was the only source of dim light in the otherwise depressing gloom.
After days of traveling Kaley
had forgotten if it was day or night, if they were above ground or below, and as the ever-monotonous darkness
outside began to get to her, she soon failed to see the difference between day and night, above and below, and the thought of continuing the journey felt the same as abandoning it; one being as black as the other.
Over all I liked your six, though I do agree with you about the last sentence. The first thing I would do would eliminate at least one of the day and night phrases. I think I would either delete one being as black as the other. or turn it into a seventh sentence. Just suggestions.
ReplyDeleteInteresting six.
I think you're right, yes, I added too much of the "this and that" in one sentence. It sounded convenient when I wrote it, wanting to stuff one sentence with as much drama-info as possible. Ambitiously stupid! I def. need more than six for the arc here. Thanks Jess, you really helped me out here! :)
DeleteGreat six. I loved the description of the forest. I agree the last sentence does need some tweaking. You've done such a wonderful job describing the forest. We know it's dark in there. So maybe the last line can be a reference to how long she's been in there and a hint at her state of mind.
ReplyDeleteAfter days of traveling Kaley had forgotten if it was day or night and the thought of continuing the journey felt the same as abandoning it.
Agreed, and it's much more to the point that way, thank you Karyn. :)
DeleteBeautiful description and imagery. I agree that the last line seems to meander a bit, but the tone and imagery you produce here are astounding. Beautiful Six!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! :)
DeleteGreat imagery, Dana. It immersed me right into the dark vine forest with Kaley.
ReplyDeleteI think you are right about the last sentence. It might work better if divided into several.
After days of traveling, Kaley soon failed to see the difference between day and night, above and below. The ever-monotonous darkness outside began to get to her. Thoughts of continuing the journey felt the same as thoughts of abandoning it; one being as black as the other."
I am so impressed with what you do as a non-native speaker!
Hi Teresa, so good to see you again :) I think you might have come up with the perfect solution for my problem:
Delete8 Sentence Sunday!
Seriously, what you came up with there sounds so much better and more natural, just by shortening these bits. Perfect! Editing advice well-taken.
I think I'll hop over to your blog and check out your six. See you in a minute. And thank you! :)
You've drawn me into the world. You're description is beautiful. Like Teresa, I think you're last sentence could be broken up into a few smaller ones, but I like the essense of it - that she is losing herself in this mystical world.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Lorraine. Today's session helped me a lot, and advice is very precious and always welcome. :) Signing up for the 6 Sentence Sunday is the smartest thing I've done in years to sharpen those pens. All thanks to Teresa, who introduced me to it!
DeleteAn eary place without animals or birds. With the last sentence, I would simply break it down into at least three, and cut out some of the repetition. All the best!
ReplyDeleteLovely descriptions. Very atmospheric. That last sentence is a huge on. Other people have suggested that you split it up and that is a good idea. Another reason for changing the rhythm of that last piece is because the previous sentences have been descriptive but this bit is about Kaley's feelings.
ReplyDelete