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4/23/2013

Me, Whining Part IV


What to do in a crisis - who to turn to for guidance. The self-help isle offers a lot of things, books with promising titles, such as "Twitter your way to a better life." If only...

There is lots of stuff out there, on how to deal with your loved ones' illness. You know, the basic world asunder kind of manuals.
I don't think any of them can help me. For these last few weeks, David has been quite unwell. Ever since this year the medical issues have changed for the worse, a vertiginous downwards spiral of life-threatening instigators and residue from it. We can't seem to clean up the debris fast enough.


Having one problem area opened the floodgates for other stuff, problems on top of problems.
I have lost some things in the fire. Body weight, first of all. That's not too bad actually. The second thing is worse. My spark. Although things are looking up now, I'm still missing it. For whatever reason, I've always gone through life assuming I was born under a lucky star. Yes, I always kept my eye on that rainbow. Well, not anymore. Now I'm thinking I may just be the anode of tragedy. Someone or something is punishing me, and I don't understand why.


I used to be convinced of another thing, that is to say that "everything happens for no reason." Not to eliminate physical cause and effect from the equation, but in the sense that there is no moral incitement in what we do here on earth, other than the one society provides (like jail-time for bad behavior). All my life, I've felt neither punished nor rewarded for the things I do, least of all by some cosmic force. Lately, however, I can't shake off the thought that there just may be someone out there to get me..

Who and what is it this entity wants? Me to live in fear? Done. Me to realize that all is mortal? Done. Me to expect the worst rather than the best? Also done. Yes, it could always be worse. But it could also be better. That's how chickens talk.

If it's all a scheme to make me a worshiper, forget it. I won't be bullied into making curtsies. If you can hear me, great spirit of cosmic sanctioning, then state your claim. Post a comment. Let's negotiate.