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Looksie here, it's a new dawn. It's a new day. Sunday! Today I want to introduce you to some of my more recent scribblings. They are called --->Shorts! (..with an exclamation point - because they are just outrageously short short stories) and you'll find them on my blog. The point of these Shorts! is to write a story that begins as close to the end as possible - this one needed 17 sentences in total, and you can look up how it ends --->here.
These are the first six sentences of The Long Run.
Looking forward to reading your comments and criticisms! :)
The Long
Run
He paused and looked at her, "What else
is there to say?"
What needed to be said had been said, and
it was he who had done most of the talking. Her body and mouth remained still, except
for the one silent nod she gave him.
He didn’t need to wait for her response;
she didn’t put up a fight.
She
looked away, far across the lot of picket fences, and her gaze pierced right through
the suburban Arcadia, to that other place her mind went sometimes.
There was a
time when their life had been nimble, when smiles were just smiles, not crooked
strains, when every small occurrence seemed like a riddle for them to
understand in their later years – a time when they would be wise and
knowledgeable regarding all things life.
Over all I really like the sadness in this scene and think you've got a the start of something great. The only part I'm not sure of is your third sentence. The first half feels natural, but the back half feels wordy. Is it possible that for you to lose the part about the suggested shrug? Just a friendly suggestion.
ReplyDeleteHi Jess, thanks for your suggestion! Wordy is always bad, and I'm glad you spoke up! I wasn't sure about it either, so I'll take it out. Let's see how this flows then..
DeleteYes, it's much better now! Good instincts, Jess! :)
DeleteI read the linked piece. It does such a fantastic job of conveying the end of a marriage without actually saying that is what it is. Ha! At least that's what I took it to mean. The end--the marathon...so perfect. So many times we just keep moving in a direction because it's the way we are accustomed to moving. The piece epitomizes, "Stay the course"...yep, mindlessly stay the course. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe short short is such a good exercise for writing succinctly. Hmmm... I might need to write a few of them. Might do me some good.
Nice six. Thanks for sharing this!
That is exactly what this is about, I'm happy and relieved the message came through! Phew! I think much like that one-sentence synopsis we sweated over in the challenge, this (actually Vonnegut-inspired) exercise may help me see which elements are important and actually necessary to create... something! Hah! ;)
DeleteI don't think you "need" it though, and I certainly wouldn't do it myself if it wasn't in some weird way entertaining! :)
Thanks for commenting and stopping by, hugs and lots of!
Very poetic and melancholy. Surely this is the end of a relationship that had long stopped working. Lovely six.
ReplyDeleteThank you Monica, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
DeleteI'm impressed even more with every word you write. The way you say things makes me swoon! You have a way of making tragedy beautiful. That's the best way I can describe it.
ReplyDeleteYour number 1 fan!
Great Six. I'm going to stalk the full version of this story now and share you on facebook. ;)
Thank you Mel, thank you for saying those nice words. This is such high praise coming from you, I'm shaken. I can't tell you enough how happy I am that we met in the bloggosphere! Oh, such a boost of confidence, my head gets bigger by the minute! I think I'm going to stalk you stalking me, if you don't mind! :)
DeleteI love how much is conveyed through body language here. Very sweet, sad six.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Steven!
DeleteThat last sentence just tore at my heart. Beautifully written. Excellent six. Thank you for posting them.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading them, Silver, and letting them tear. :)
ReplyDeleteSo powerful and full of emotion! Beautiful six!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Maryellen, I'm glad you liked it. :)
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