Are We Judgmental Bitches?

I read a post on Facebook a little while ago, about a young woman who had made the conscious decision not to have any children. I think she used the word never with some exclamation points. She wrote that afterwards she got a lot of headwind for openly refusing a life with children, and a backlash was sparked amongst mothers who allegedly have a big problem with that. She continued to appeal to the rules of a civilized and equal society, to let her do what she wants and just leave her be.

A reasonable request. I found myself wondering however to what extent the societal pressure she was talking about is an issue, if though a perceived reality it may be. Is it really other people, who make her feel badly about this decision, and by extension, is it even possible for other people to make us feel anything along the lines of doubt and insecurity?

First of all it seems to be pretty demure to not want something as a life choice. It's the opposite of needing stuff to exist. Some people think they need a Porsche to survive. In case of anything materialistic, usually people go for it or they don't, depending on the effort they are willing to put in. Either way in my experience, people generally don't really care about other people's harbored ambitions or even openly voiced desires.

We may take notice when you have something that we don't have, be jealous, or decide we want it too, but that's a different story. Most of the time, other people's aspirations don't even register - we're all much too concerned with what we want anyway.

Yes, sometimes mothers, parents, will appear judgmental, mostly in comparing their own parental style which they claim to find flawless, to other, allegedly inferior styles of parenting. This is what I think it's really about: being defensive about our own shit. Attacking not to be attacked.

I don't believe there's a single mother on planet Earth who thinks she's perfect. You may have days, moments, when you think, man, I'm great, I got this whole thing figured out, but the next minute you find your kid sitting in the corner, suckling on a beat-up cat toy and you think to yourself: damn, I'm raising a monkey. Stop licking the wall, Bingo.

Anyways, so what I think it comes down to is that parents are not in the business of judging anyone for refusing the whole child experience. We may think you're missing out on something big. Because we think it's pretty big. Parents don't know what they're missing out on by having children. Adventure, travel, the great escape? Just a wild guess. Childless people don't know what they're missing out on by not having them. There is no grounds for either of us to judge here.

Be that as it may, the declaration to adhere to a certain lifestyle, any lifestyle, for the rest of your life just isn't very reasonable. How often have you thought, OK, this is it, I'm settled, this is me. Life usually doesn't work on our terms. In case something completely surprising happens, and chances are that it will, our cores may be shaken, personalities will be disheveled and everything we thought we knew will be turned upside down.

So when it comes to life, there may be no other way than to stay flexible. It seems like a bad idea to close your mind to anything, even ideas that may seem bad or plain wrong at the time. They may appear more convenient a minute from now, or when things happen and you have to deal with the altered reality in front of you. Most of the time stuff happens despite our grand proclamations. And in a moment of crisis and change, we will find out we can deal with pretty much anything, and tackle things that are very different from our current agenda, our own prejudice, and yes, even those pesky children may add something to your life you never even imagined you'd love so much. Same goes for everything else of course. New doors open. It's out of our control when they do. And that's the terrifying and fantastic thing about life.

50 Shades of Like

On Facebook, the like button has quickly become one of the most powerful tools for interaction. It's the holy grail, the ultimate symbol for success to get many likes on something. People are generously donating them when it comes to statuses, they're giving them away in abundance for their friends' vacation pictures, and the likes of it.

On the other end of the spectrum, people rarely give their like lightly (tongue twister!!) to big companies or products - even if they really like them. Maybe they fear it would make those companies too powerful, or them, a target for advertisement. But that's not all there is.


Likes are just as well used inflationary, or diametrically opposite, like a dangerous weapon; and sometimes even handled with kid gloves. And that's where the oddity of the whole like-issue comes into play. There are countless reasons and motivations. A like can say so much...

1. The sincere like


I saw a movie a zillion years ago, which I have fond memories of. That movie isn't well-known amongst film afficionados, and it never was a sales hit. I guess most of my friends don't know it, and if they did, I think the large majority of them wouldn't like it. It got a lot of bad reviews. They'd probably be a little embarrassed for me, that I like it. Still, I openly commit to it. But that's just one example. I hardly ever don't care! This is one of those rare and sincere likes, from the earlier days of Facebook.




2. The political like


There are some causes I openly affiliate with on Facebook - although the approach itself is not always something I fully stand behind. Still, I can like it, as a way of nailing my colors to the mast. As a matter of principle, The Newsroom got my like on Facebook - not because I love the series for its entertainment value (actually it could be better in that department), but because it makes some valid, and profoundly American points in regards to the current state of journalism, which I agree with. So it gets my like despite not reaching its full potential. The political like is the most ardent like of all. It says I like, I passionately like. And I generously overlook flaws, because the whole cause is important.





3. The awareness like


Cancer has a Facebook fanpage with more than 20.000 likes. Now, to be clear, these aren't exactly people who run around with Yay for Cancer sweatshirts. They like that page because they are aware of the disease's importance. On the spectrum of negatives, cancer is too important to ignore. Now, the freaky thing is, we needed Facebook to teach us a valuable lesson about denial: in fact, some things are important despite us not liking them, and that's why there is such a thing as a cancer fanpage. It's self-evident that people who like the page aren't sick sarcastic bastards who want others to die. They hate cancer, and that's why they create awareness by liking it.




4. The pity like


One of the worst likes there is, really. Unfortunately sometimes I get the feeling it's the most common and abused of them all. The pity like involves giving a thumbs-up to something you really don't like, but feel sorry for. Sometimes we mean well by pretending to like something. And then there is pity, which is a devious motivation, many a times. Paying tribute to someone for an achievement, although not viewing it as an achievement ourselves, is a flat out lie. The key word is ugly babies. Of course. I'm talking about liking an ugly baby, solely because we care for the people who created THAT. And since we know, they are happy with the outcome, it's no harm done in us liking the creature, right? Right?!!




5. The ambiguous like


There is a seamless transition from pity to schizo. The ironic, and malicious like, such as that pic of a haircut, which we really don't like, but pretend to like because it's so horrible, we're enchanted by its exoticism. Or the badly lit, blurred photo of still lifes, taken by the aspiring photographer, which we don't like but we say we do, because we think it's the best they can do. That like says something even meaner. It wants to express: you peaked, my friend. Better give it up. And the worst thing is, we intend to shut them up with our like!

However, if someone wants an honest or professional opinion about something, the best way is still to ask for it directly. Better than being crushed by a wave of insincere likes that could mean anything.

No? Yes?
       

Like if you agree ;)


To like or not to like - there is so much involved in this seemingly simple act. It's just one click, but it can tell us a myriad of things about the person doing it.

Modern-times critics believe that with further advancements in digital media, our humanly setup will change to the same extent as progress goes, in the sense that they expect us turning into socially stunted Kaspar Hausers at some point.


So far, I haven't noticed that being the case. Regardless of why we like or not like, not wanting to openly offend people's feelings still plays an important part in the world of social media, as in real life, and building consensus amongst our group is what we strive for.


Although sitting behind a screen, far far away from other people, we're aware that we are never detached from interactions we take part in. And yet, we fancy ourselves autonomous creatures! But like with any other choice in life, it really isn't an isolated event what we do, or when we do it. There is cause and effect in liking. We're, after all, primates, social animals, playing on the claviature of social complexities all the time.


And since empathy works across long distances - it's a good thing we have those likes being there, saying what they say, the most rudimentary form of communication. Even when they're insincere; Yes or No, that's what we're saying. Everything else is up to idle speculation. It's fun to think about, nevertheless!