What To Expect When You're Not Expecting

I can't say that I ever officially decided to have children - I as in my conscious decision-making self making a choice. I was quite unsure until my thirties if it would be a good idea for me at all. I presume what happened after the glorious age of 30 was that my primate brain did something to me. The cliché of the loud ticking noise, I suddenly began to hear it. First unobtrusively, then, all the time. The tinnitus I got from this must have smashed the insubordinate parts of my brain, the ones that used to yawn whenever I got the feeling I had to do something or to be a part of something, to fit some kind of stereotype. I never exactly knew how to behave around children. I was not relaxed being around them, still am not, at times. Yet it happened one day, when I saw a mother lovingly with her child in her arms, that I noticeably gasped for air. It felt liked suffocation. I wouldn't define the feeling as wanting something. I realized I didn't as much want one, as I needed a child. For my sanity. For my primate brain. This post is not a guide. This is about how I tried to remain sane during the long years of not having one, but needing a child, and badly so. In hindsight, I merely partially succeeded.


Let me think. No. Let's say you've already found out you want a child and you're working hard towards that goal. You've tried for a while and it didn't work out. Or maybe it worked, but then it didn't. What do you do to pass the time until it does? I've had three strikes in five years. Unfortunately none of them made it through the first trimester. Starting fresh after a miscarriage was hard each time. You're losing confidence in your body. You're getting super obsessive about every little circumstance that may or may not be responsible for you not getting pregnant. First of all, you have to accept, that certain things are simply out of your hands. Think positive if you can muster up the strength, but if you can't, don't feel bad for being angry. It is frustrating. It makes you crazy. Babies is probably all you can think about. If all you can think about is what you can't have, that is one very sad mental spiral to be in. It may seem as far out of reach to you as sitting on a rusty bike and dreaming about a Porsche. And then again, it may just be around the corner. Your body is torturous. Biology is a bitch. You know.

<< Don't put your life on hold This is important. You can't stop everything else, because you want a child. If you live as though you were pregnant to become pregnant, you're not doing yourself any favors. Eating raw fish, cheese, or drinking coffee or a glass of wine, lifting stuff, it's all allowed. Yes, you may blame yourself if it doesn't work out at the end of a cycle. You will do that no matter what you do, what you eat, if you did or didn't do sports, if you ate or didn't eat certain foods. I wrecked my brain each time I miscarried or didn't conceive for what I might have done wrong. The list is incredibly long when you're looking for something that can't be found. It's not that third cup of coffee. The most likely thing is that it didn't work out for a myriad of reasons. None of them are in your control. Nothing you do will guarantee the right circumstances. What did I do right when it finally happened? Nothing. Everything. I ate whatever I craved for, chocolate, mainly. I drank lots of coffee. I was too lazy to work out, and around conception time, I read a really boring fantasy book. Find the answer anywhere in there? If there is one, it says, try to mentally detach yourself from the biology behind getting pregnant. You can't finetune the incubator. Trust it, for it knows best.


<< Create your own voodoo You feel like you need to do something. Yes. Doing something seems to put people in an exceptionally positive mood. Treat your body like a temple. Imagine you're a fertile riverbed or whatever. Be aware that voodoo is voodoo. There is no medicinal value in dancing around a totem pole except the one you create in your head - placebo the hell out of it! Your state of mind is important. Placebo is your friend. Go massage your stomach with your left hand. Bath in mud. Stick needles in your chi, feng shui your bedroom. It's all good and healthy as long as it makes you feel good and there is no real chemistry involved. Stay away from strong substances. Let the doctors handle strong substances. You go to your happy place and relax.


<< Be aware of hormones There's one tiny little piece of chemistry you need to be aware of: progesterone. Especially if you have passed the presumably best childbearing age of 20. Progesterone can have influence on the actual occurrence and continuation of a pregnancy. If you're having trouble conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy over a period of time, go see a doctor. Let them monitor progesterone and hormone levels throughout your trial runs. It will help you figure out a possible deficiency and help you fix it. I took progesterone during my last (successful) trial. It may have helped. I took it some time earlier that year and it didn't. No guarantees, but chances are, it will more likely help than hurt your efforts.


<< Don't be mean to your partner (unless he or she is responsible - then, go ahead and nag him or her endlessly about it) Kidding, of course! It's so hard to stay rational. I've tried to explain this to men several times. Being theoretically able to father children until they drop, they don't seem to fully grasp the pressure-filled window we're in. It can put a serious strain on relationships when fertility is an issue. Fertility. Even the word sounds discriminatory. Whatever you do, try to hold on to the big picture. Testicles are not baby juice jars. A man is not just a donor, a woman is not an oven. Don't reduce people to their baby-making qualities. I know it sounds like a d'oh sort of thing to say, but it can be hard when you're on emotional edge. What you should think and talk about are possible consequences. Talk much. You need to be able to talk about your options. How much do you want children? More than you want to be with your partner? Think about it, and without being resentful or fearful, just play it through in your mind. Can you imagine alternative scenarios? Then think about it some more. The important and excruciating part is to not guilt your partner into staying the childless course if the problem is on your end. It's scary to think that way, but you need to do it for the sake of your relationship.


<< Cuddle your inner child

Be kind to yourself. You're of worth, you are or were at some point someone's child. What you do and how you feel is important. Find an outlet for your frustration. Do things you want to do, things you know you couldn't do with a child. Travel the world, take that crazy job offer in Helsinki. We're all just finding ways to pass the time. Having a child means passing over time to someone else entirely. You will stay the center of your own life if you don't have a child. There's an upside to that way of existing. People say that having children is the most important thing in life. I know it has changed a whole lot for me, and opened my eyes to another perspective entirely. I have never felt such love for anyone or anything in the world. It's unbearable at times. But in a larger sense, it's not that important for the world if I do or do not have children, at least not as much as it is for myself. I find that caring for someone, for a partner or a pet can do that also. My cats were my babies long before I knew my son. It doesn't matter that they never needed me as much as he does at the moment. Cats are self-sufficient beings. My son will be self-sufficient as well at some point. The transition will be painful, but I care for them either way. Cleaning the cat toilet or cleaning a diaper. One's a little less messy than the other, but in the end, it's all coming out of the same area. Poop, everywhere! Doesn't matter whose. It's all love. Good old sappy love.

50 Shades of Like

On Facebook, the like button has quickly become one of the most powerful tools for interaction. It's the holy grail, the ultimate symbol for success to get many likes on something. People are generously donating them when it comes to statuses, they're giving them away in abundance for their friends' vacation pictures, and the likes of it.

On the other end of the spectrum, people rarely give their like lightly (tongue twister!!) to big companies or products - even if they really like them. Maybe they fear it would make those companies too powerful, or them, a target for advertisement. But that's not all there is.


Likes are just as well used inflationary, or diametrically opposite, like a dangerous weapon; and sometimes even handled with kid gloves. And that's where the oddity of the whole like-issue comes into play. There are countless reasons and motivations. A like can say so much...

1. The sincere like


I saw a movie a zillion years ago, which I have fond memories of. That movie isn't well-known amongst film afficionados, and it never was a sales hit. I guess most of my friends don't know it, and if they did, I think the large majority of them wouldn't like it. It got a lot of bad reviews. They'd probably be a little embarrassed for me, that I like it. Still, I openly commit to it. But that's just one example. I hardly ever don't care! This is one of those rare and sincere likes, from the earlier days of Facebook.




2. The political like


There are some causes I openly affiliate with on Facebook - although the approach itself is not always something I fully stand behind. Still, I can like it, as a way of nailing my colors to the mast. As a matter of principle, The Newsroom got my like on Facebook - not because I love the series for its entertainment value (actually it could be better in that department), but because it makes some valid, and profoundly American points in regards to the current state of journalism, which I agree with. So it gets my like despite not reaching its full potential. The political like is the most ardent like of all. It says I like, I passionately like. And I generously overlook flaws, because the whole cause is important.





3. The awareness like


Cancer has a Facebook fanpage with more than 20.000 likes. Now, to be clear, these aren't exactly people who run around with Yay for Cancer sweatshirts. They like that page because they are aware of the disease's importance. On the spectrum of negatives, cancer is too important to ignore. Now, the freaky thing is, we needed Facebook to teach us a valuable lesson about denial: in fact, some things are important despite us not liking them, and that's why there is such a thing as a cancer fanpage. It's self-evident that people who like the page aren't sick sarcastic bastards who want others to die. They hate cancer, and that's why they create awareness by liking it.




4. The pity like


One of the worst likes there is, really. Unfortunately sometimes I get the feeling it's the most common and abused of them all. The pity like involves giving a thumbs-up to something you really don't like, but feel sorry for. Sometimes we mean well by pretending to like something. And then there is pity, which is a devious motivation, many a times. Paying tribute to someone for an achievement, although not viewing it as an achievement ourselves, is a flat out lie. The key word is ugly babies. Of course. I'm talking about liking an ugly baby, solely because we care for the people who created THAT. And since we know, they are happy with the outcome, it's no harm done in us liking the creature, right? Right?!!




5. The ambiguous like


There is a seamless transition from pity to schizo. The ironic, and malicious like, such as that pic of a haircut, which we really don't like, but pretend to like because it's so horrible, we're enchanted by its exoticism. Or the badly lit, blurred photo of still lifes, taken by the aspiring photographer, which we don't like but we say we do, because we think it's the best they can do. That like says something even meaner. It wants to express: you peaked, my friend. Better give it up. And the worst thing is, we intend to shut them up with our like!

However, if someone wants an honest or professional opinion about something, the best way is still to ask for it directly. Better than being crushed by a wave of insincere likes that could mean anything.

No? Yes?
       

Like if you agree ;)


To like or not to like - there is so much involved in this seemingly simple act. It's just one click, but it can tell us a myriad of things about the person doing it.

Modern-times critics believe that with further advancements in digital media, our humanly setup will change to the same extent as progress goes, in the sense that they expect us turning into socially stunted Kaspar Hausers at some point.


So far, I haven't noticed that being the case. Regardless of why we like or not like, not wanting to openly offend people's feelings still plays an important part in the world of social media, as in real life, and building consensus amongst our group is what we strive for.


Although sitting behind a screen, far far away from other people, we're aware that we are never detached from interactions we take part in. And yet, we fancy ourselves autonomous creatures! But like with any other choice in life, it really isn't an isolated event what we do, or when we do it. There is cause and effect in liking. We're, after all, primates, social animals, playing on the claviature of social complexities all the time.


And since empathy works across long distances - it's a good thing we have those likes being there, saying what they say, the most rudimentary form of communication. Even when they're insincere; Yes or No, that's what we're saying. Everything else is up to idle speculation. It's fun to think about, nevertheless!