Are We Judgmental Bitches?

I read a post on Facebook a little while ago, about a young woman who had made the conscious decision not to have any children. I think she used the word never with some exclamation points. She wrote that afterwards she got a lot of headwind for openly refusing a life with children, and a backlash was sparked amongst mothers who allegedly have a big problem with that. She continued to appeal to the rules of a civilized and equal society, to let her do what she wants and just leave her be.

A reasonable request. I found myself wondering however to what extent the societal pressure she was talking about is an issue, if though a perceived reality it may be. Is it really other people, who make her feel badly about this decision, and by extension, is it even possible for other people to make us feel anything along the lines of doubt and insecurity?

First of all it seems to be pretty demure to not want something as a life choice. It's the opposite of needing stuff to exist. Some people think they need a Porsche to survive. In case of anything materialistic, usually people go for it or they don't, depending on the effort they are willing to put in. Either way in my experience, people generally don't really care about other people's harbored ambitions or even openly voiced desires.

We may take notice when you have something that we don't have, be jealous, or decide we want it too, but that's a different story. Most of the time, other people's aspirations don't even register - we're all much too concerned with what we want anyway.

Yes, sometimes mothers, parents, will appear judgmental, mostly in comparing their own parental style which they claim to find flawless, to other, allegedly inferior styles of parenting. This is what I think it's really about: being defensive about our own shit. Attacking not to be attacked.

I don't believe there's a single mother on planet Earth who thinks she's perfect. You may have days, moments, when you think, man, I'm great, I got this whole thing figured out, but the next minute you find your kid sitting in the corner, suckling on a beat-up cat toy and you think to yourself: damn, I'm raising a monkey. Stop licking the wall, Bingo.

Anyways, so what I think it comes down to is that parents are not in the business of judging anyone for refusing the whole child experience. We may think you're missing out on something big. Because we think it's pretty big. Parents don't know what they're missing out on by having children. Adventure, travel, the great escape? Just a wild guess. Childless people don't know what they're missing out on by not having them. There is no grounds for either of us to judge here.

Be that as it may, the declaration to adhere to a certain lifestyle, any lifestyle, for the rest of your life just isn't very reasonable. How often have you thought, OK, this is it, I'm settled, this is me. Life usually doesn't work on our terms. In case something completely surprising happens, and chances are that it will, our cores may be shaken, personalities will be disheveled and everything we thought we knew will be turned upside down.

So when it comes to life, there may be no other way than to stay flexible. It seems like a bad idea to close your mind to anything, even ideas that may seem bad or plain wrong at the time. They may appear more convenient a minute from now, or when things happen and you have to deal with the altered reality in front of you. Most of the time stuff happens despite our grand proclamations. And in a moment of crisis and change, we will find out we can deal with pretty much anything, and tackle things that are very different from our current agenda, our own prejudice, and yes, even those pesky children may add something to your life you never even imagined you'd love so much. Same goes for everything else of course. New doors open. It's out of our control when they do. And that's the terrifying and fantastic thing about life.

Me, Whining Part IV

What to do in a crisis - who to turn to for guidance. The self-help isle offers a lot of things, books with promising titles, such as "Twitter your way to a better life." If only...

There is lots of stuff out there, on how to deal with your loved ones' illness. You know, the basic world asunder kind of manuals.
I don't think any of them can help me. For these last few weeks, David has been quite unwell. Ever since this year the medical issues have changed for the worse, a vertiginous downwards spiral of life-threatening instigators and residue from it. We can't seem to clean up the debris fast enough.


Having one problem area opened the floodgates for other stuff, problems on top of problems.
I have lost some things in the fire. Body weight, first of all. That's not too bad actually. The second thing is worse. My spark. Although things are looking up now, I'm still missing it. For whatever reason, I've always gone through life assuming I was born under a lucky star. Yes, I always kept my eye on that rainbow. Well, not anymore. Now I'm thinking I may just be the anode of tragedy. Someone or something is punishing me, and I don't understand why.


I used to be convinced of another thing, that is to say that "everything happens for no reason." Not to eliminate physical cause and effect from the equation, but in the sense that there is no moral incitement in what we do here on earth, other than the one society provides (like jail-time for bad behavior). All my life, I've felt neither punished nor rewarded for the things I do, least of all by some cosmic force. Lately, however, I can't shake off the thought that there just may be someone out there to get me..

Who and what is it this entity wants? Me to live in fear? Done. Me to realize that all is mortal? Done. Me to expect the worst rather than the best? Also done. Yes, it could always be worse. But it could also be better. That's how chickens talk.

If it's all a scheme to make me a worshiper, forget it. I won't be bullied into making curtsies. If you can hear me, great spirit of cosmic sanctioning, then state your claim. Post a comment. Let's negotiate.

Sam Harris: Free Will Revisited

Sam Harris' new book "Free Will" is coming out next week, and it has already stirred a passionate debate amongst believers and non-believers all over the world. The subject Free Will versus Determinism, while being a topic of conversation ever since the dawn of mankind (or let's say: the times of Marcus Aurelius), still is the recipe for turmoil. I already read horrible comments on Facebook, things I'd like to forget as quickly as possible. The loudest of the bunch are as expected the ones who oppose Harris thesis of Free Will being an illusion. They tend to believe other things to be true, like heavenly guidance for example - and don't seem to have any problem accepting these ideas, while all those others, supplying a more solid scientific backbone are quickly ruled out as "suspect". I don't get it. 

Why do we have such problems accepting the concept of Determinism, when it is there in front of us, showing its teeth?

Sam Harris' book is called Free Will

Firstly, there is something you have to know about me: I once was a firm believer in Free Will as well, fiery at times, and the feeling endured, until my years at university crushed all my metaphysical hopes and dreams. Confronted with the scientific method, I felt like I was hit with a powerful antidote, thus pulling me out of a haze. The coffin nail for the whole concept was an advanced seminar in philosophy - it was called Towards a Theory of Thinking. It covered everything and everyone from Descartes' dualism to David Hume's compatibilism to Daniel Dennett's intentional stance, and it highly shattered any hope in Free Will that may have been left at that point. 

As the realization first kicked in, I remember fighting back (how dare they..!) but when my attempts to deny the whole thing failed, I surrendered. Does it sound completely lame if I tell you that it changed my life for the better? And that it, on further reflection, actually freed me immensely?

Determinism comes to terms with the vital parts of the human condition, and while it may not make us feel like the glorious climactic scene of a stage play called "Creation" at first, I think it's much better to accept the facts than to hope for the conveyed comfort of an illusion.

I feel liberated, because knowing what I am and am not accountable for in life is a great thing. Doing things "right" isn't my accomplishment, but to the same extent is doing things "wrong" not my fault either. I know, this will repel all those people who believe in (legal) culpability, guilt and a penal system that wants to punish wrong-doing more than it aims to protect the general public from those who do. But what does that say about us? 

We'd like to think that we are morally responsible for choosing the "right" thing, we want to be rewarded for not violating the law, implying that all those criminals in jails consciously decided to violate laws. I don't think so. And here come the church bells: There is no indication for active decision-making in the brain. It looks like what we perceive as moments of choice are already pre-determined selections, not offered by the conscious part of our brain. The reason why the decision between pizza or pasta feels free, is because our conscious minds buy in the pretense of choice. It feels free to us. But it's, again, not our conscious selves deciding what to eat - it's blood sugar level, hormones, nutrient agents, force of habit and a myriad of other factors we don't even know about - because they don't make an appearance on our mental horizon.

What does it matter? We will always want the things we "chose", regardless of how they originated or who chose them, the "will" part remains intact. To my conscious self, there is no difference in telling how the decision came into being. 

"Toto, I have a feeling we are not in Kansas anymore."

Our reward-oriented brain is the one that thrives to blame and punish other people's infringements - and indirectly rewards its own "conformity" (again, not an achievement) by doing so - carving in stone what is right and wrong in the process. If we could change our view in judging right and wrong not as universal moral choices, but societal agreements on how to behave - to preserve the right to live amongst society - we would be at a much more human level. But to get there, we must first of all, be willing to accept that certain things we want to believe about ourselves are not true.

 "I cannot take credit for the fact that I do not have the soul of a psychopath." (Sam Harris)

Allow yourself to think about this for a minute or two, and don't worry, even if you find yourself being

• ...afraid of offending the bearded guy upstairs by thinking outside the book.
• ...sad, because there is no praise for something we have no influence on.
• ...liberated, because there is no scolding for something we have no influence on.
• ...angry, because our conscious self is not in charge.
• ...unimportant, because the mind is not a metaphysical enclave within the body.
• ...offended, because I wrote this post.

Trust me, that's all completely normal. :)


Sam Harris "Free Will" on Amazon