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Sunday, Sunday, gonna get down on Sunday...oh wait, that was Friday.. Anyways, last weekend I slacked off, but today I'm back full speed ahead- like that nasty STD you just can't seem to get rid of.. oh well, enough already. My story is called The Days Adrift and -->this is what happened earlier.
This Sunday is the day, you actually get to take a closer look into the boating experience with our girl-fugitives running from their crime towards the open sea. Sail ahoy.
We three share a small space in Brita's boat, a cockleshell too tiny even to lie down all at once. Two of us have to sit upright, close behind one another while the third
may catch some Z's in the shade of the sail. Ever since I drew the long straw for the navigational post, Brita has decided to be pissed. I feel her venomous little eyes in the back of my head every time I give directions.
"I like it better when you sleep and she's awake with me," she hisses, in between my turns and hoists. "Likewise," I say with a snarl, but a sudden boom of waves against the wood drowns out my voice.
I can sense the tension and conflict in that little boat. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHave a cookie: http://www.delish.com/recipefinder/chocolate-domino-cookies-3383
Thank you, so glad to hear it, oh, and I'm happy to take one of these cookies off your hands.. :)
DeleteGreat tension here, love his response!
ReplyDeleteHi Paula, thank you! Gotta love the snappy repartee! :)
DeleteI love the tension; this sounds like it could really get nasty. You've created some wonderful characters here.
ReplyDeleteIt will get ugly, and soon. Thank you, Karen. :)
DeleteI have it now!! Your writing, at least in this piece, is reminiscent of Stephen Crane and his short story Open Boat. I knew I'd read something that spoke to me as I read this particular piece of your writing; I just couldn't place it until now. You're writing is as amazing as Mr. Crane's.
ReplyDeleteYou're voice in this piece is exceptional. I know I say it every week, but I'm going to say it again. ;) I'm your number one fan, Dana!
Yay! But..wait a minute.
Delete"None of them knew the color of the sky. Their eyes glanced level, and were fastened upon the waves that swept toward them. These waves were of the hue of slate, save for the tops, which were of foaming white, and all of the men knew the colors of the sea." (Stephen Crane, The Open Boat)
Really? I wish! I think it's a great honor that you do associate my writing with his - I'm such a dork when it comes to compliments - thank you so very much!
ah yes!!!! you see there ... put that paragraph up against anything else you have written, story prose or not (like your about me shorts) and many readers would be hard pressed to tell a difference. There is serious, deeply entrenched power in your writing.
DeleteAnd, as I've said on numerous occasions, it takes a dork to know a dork, so maybe we should form a club and such.
Love your voice in this and the tension :) awesome snippet!
ReplyDeleteThank you Maryellen, and I enjoyed your 6 this week! :)
DeleteWow! You have really dropped down into deep POV! Great job getting inside her head--and you took us right there with you. :-)
ReplyDeleteLove this: "...a cockleshell too tiny even to lie down all at once."
Excellent. This week's snippet is incredible, Dana.
Hi Teresa, thank you, that's wonderful to hear! I had some difficulties with this one, but I'll continue working on the draft this week - nice juggle between fun stuff like writing and the horror of bookkeeping, which, ironically, doesn't remind me of books at all. Oh, and also some time this week, you'll have my feedback in your mailbox. Thanks for stopping by, hugs and hugs! :)
DeleteI can't wait to see this situation explode...they just need to go at each other and get it over with. ;D
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree. I can't help the diabolical smirk when I think about it! :) Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteWow! You can tell these two don't like each other. Great six!
ReplyDeleteThank you, I'm glad you liked it. :)
DeleteInteresting metaphor with the STD:)
ReplyDeleteAs for your six, I loved it. I think it's probably the best thing I've read that you've posted. You've done an excellent job of writing this section with a calm, quite writing style that allows the character's personalities and tensions to bubble up to the surface. Kudos!
Thank you Jess, I'm glad to hear you say that. :) I'm way too close to even recognize my own progress, and it really helps me a lot to have your weekly input - you always have such good and valid points to offer. Thank you for that!
DeleteTerrific descriptions in this -- just the right amount of detail to give the reader direction, and then let her/him fill in the blanks. Very engaging. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Monica, thank you, I consider this high praise coming from an accomplished writer such as yourself. Can't wait to get my hands on a copy of Girl Under Glass. :)
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